In this moment of history that we find ourselves in, we are all having to separate from most of what our 'normal' life and 'normal' self consists of. All of us are having to stay at home and do not have our usual rhythms and rituals. Most of us are currently separated from loved ones, and some of us have lost our jobs, seen our businesses close, or are trying to navigate studies without school and college. To greater or lesser degrees, we find ourselves separating out from a lot of what usually defines us as we go through our life in the world, and coming back to ourselves.
The human ego begins its development around the time we start to 'separate' from our caregivers as infants: the terrible twos, a time where an infant is finding their own will and asserting it. Paralleled by the new physical independence of being able to move around, we start to discover a psychological autonomy. We come to know ourselves as a person in our own right and begin to form our identity as an autonomous being. When we separate in this early stage of life, we realise we are capable human beings. We start to notice we can collect and focus our energies around what we will to happen and have an impact on the world around us. So (hopefully) we discover our personal power.
This process happens again on a higher octave as adolescents when we are trying to separate from our family system and stand on our own two feet as independent adults, complete with lots more battles of wills and assertions of the self. In this way, we can see separation is necessary for us to find a new sense of autonomy. As adults, this process of separation can happen again (and again and again and again). When we leave a familiar workplace, living situation, friendship group, country, or perhaps even lifestyle, we move beyond our comfort zone—an innately scary and challenging thing to do.
In separating from whatever system we had known ourselves to be a part of, we can come into contact with the power within us. In taking the leap, we realise we are more than 'the person who worked really well (or was lazy) in that company'. I am still me and can continue to live my life without the holding of 'that lovely house I rented with my friends', and I'm more than 'the person that group of friends knew me to be (and I knew myself to be, based on the roles I had in that group)'. You get the idea. It's often a shaky and uncertain thing to do, moving on and separating from somewhere, something, or someone.
When something (or someone) has become very familiar and comfortable, it can often even become part of who we know ourselves to be and offers us a structure in which to live. Separating from that is not easy, but it can allow us to get to know ourselves as an autonomous being once again and rediscover the power we have in us to meet these challenges. Separating is innately painful. Part of the reason there tends to be so many tantrums in the terrible twos, or that adolescence is known for its angst and hostility towards parents, is for this very reason. It is painful to separate, and often we feel anger and hatred because it helps us to deal with the separation that is occurring and the loss that may be many layers underneath.
A helpful way of understanding the pain that comes with separation is 'growing pains because often when we stretch and grow, it comes with discomfort. Naturally, some environments, people, and indeed lifestyles can be supportive of our growth for many years. In our ever-changing, throw-away culture, there is something to be said about the value of commitment and working with the challenges that commitment can bring. However, often we also stay places because it feels safe and secure. Maybe because we don't have enough faith in ourselves without whatever it is, that's giving us this feeling of security, or we are just so used to it we don't even realise there's an option of separating.
A gift of our current situation is the painful truth; we have to let go of so much of what life has been up to now. So much of what we took for granted every day, we are now realising had been contributing to our day-to-day sense of security. It is unsurprising it's sad, scary, and stressful to be facing so much change when we are all separating from so much that formed different parts of the 'me-in-the-world' we knew ourselves to be. However, when we begin to find our ground after this intense separation (or more accurately; these separations), we will start to realise how much power we each hold within ourselves, independent of the 'security' of our familiar worlds.
Knowing we can support ourselves even when times are difficult is essential and being able to reflect on our experience is a key way we can learn through experience. There are some tools and supports listed below to aid in this support and insight. Choose what resonates with you or what you feel drawn to. This list is not homework, just some opportunities for self-soothing and self-reflection that may help support you as you go through this period of growth
Find your Ground
To find your ground, the first and most important tool is always your breath. The second is coming back to your body, standing on the ground or sitting in a chair. To ground yourself, take control of your breath. Breath slowly and deeply, extend your exhale and feel your breath in the body and your feet on the ground, or your pelvis sitting in a chair. This will calm your nervous system. There are many classic grounding techniques and exercises that you may already be familiar with and are easily found on the internet.
Staying in the day, just doing the next right thing, and focusing on easily accomplished tasks like some general household cleaning duties are also great ways to find your ground when you feel like you're being engulfed by life.
Practice Self-Compassion
As already stated, this is not an easy time, and separating is not an easy task. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever feelings are coming up and find ways to soothe yourself. Give yourself time and be gentle.
Questions for Insight
These questions are designed for reflecting on. Journaling on them is ideal or even pondering them over time. There's no right or wrong answer, and you may not find an answer that you feel gives you a new understanding at first. The idea is that an answer or insight can come to you from beyond your thinking mind. For this to happen, it is helpful to take an open, curious, and playful approach to reflect on these questions and give yourself some time.
· What am I really struggling with?
· What did (insert the job, person, lifestyle now separate) give me that I'm currently missing?
· Who was the 'me' before this crisis? - describe this person
· Who is this 'me' now? - describe this person
Let go of being safe
If we can let go of the hope or ideal of staying ‘safe’ or ‘secure’ and accept there are going to be challenges, unexpected twists, criticism, and failure, we can find freedom in the moment and power in our choices in the here-and-now.